Before My Actual Heart Breaks

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Before My Actual Heart Breaks can be described as a coming of age story; it can also be described as a bittersweet love story. It is the story of Mary, a young Catholic girl growing up in Northern Ireland during the Troubles in the 70s, 80s and 90s. For this reason, I don’t think the reader can trust any of the epiphanies our protagonist has. The sex she has aged 16, after which she becomes pregnant, is, to her “the first chance I’ve had in sixteen years to do what I want”. It should feel transgressive and feminist, but it doesn’t quite come off. The man who takes her virginity is older and in a position of relative power. In the Republic, it would be classed as statutory rape. The couple never speak to each other and it is not explained until near the end of the book why he agreed to marry Mary (although it is easy to guess, if not the most logical or realistic thing to do). They go onto to have five children, have a torrid but closeted in the bedroom sex life and despite working together on the farm never speak to one another and seem to show no kindness to each other either, which I just couldn't quite believe. They get married in 1982,I do know that many young people still had "shotgun" marriages at that point in time in Northern Ireland but don't know of anyone who married someone not the father of the child. At that point I was openly living with my boyfriend, all be it in the city as were many friends. Things weren't quite as oppressive sexually as made out, the book should have been set in the 60's or 70's if it wanted to have the sexual mores it recounts. Many girls crossed the water for an abortion in Scotland or England (as they still have to), often their parents were the most religious and most vocally against abortion in public, but this is never considered as an option for Mary. Later in the book there is an unambiguous rape scene, but it comes as a surprise to the reader and appears to exist for narrative closure more than anything. It feels gratuitous and implausible.

Once I got to the halfway mark the book seemed to split in two. The first half a promise that the second didn't seem to keep. Speaking to Tish on Zoom, I comment on a painting depicting what she describes as the famous Alderney breakwater, an architectural world wonder.Alderney is also home to writer Rachel Abbott, for whom Tish works. Involved in the Alderney writers’ festival, Tish will feature as this year’s debut author. Delaney's writing is a beautiful wave flowing lyrically . . . A touching tale of how one woman survives a tough beginning to eventually end up exactly where her heart belongs.' ANNE GRIFFIN, author of When All is Said

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Now, five children, twenty-five years, an end to the bombs and bullets, enough whisky to sink a ship and endless wakes and sandwich teas later, Mary’s alone. She’s learned plenty of hard lessons and missed a hundred steps towards the life she'd always hoped for. Delaney’s true skill here was displaying the complex relationships and emotions experienced by every character in the novel. Everything is vividly raw, no one understands what others are holding close to them, each person has a purpose and will strive for that without sharing their feelings or dreams. It’s a heartbreaking portrayal of how deeply miscommunication can wound us, how sometimes trauma can cause irreparable damage, and how the walls we build can be strong enough to ruin us. T]here is much to admire about this debut, from the energetic voice to the way the Troubles are knitted through the timeline. Irish Times

Now, five children, twenty-five years, an end to the bombs and bullets, enough whiskey to sink a ship and endless wakes and sandwich teas later, Mary's alone. She's learned plenty of hard lessons and missed a hundred steps towards the life she'd always hoped for. I was in my forties trying to write about London.I couldn’t. I almost gave up. Finally I gave in, and wrote about what I knew. All my characters are from my childhood, many of whom have been with me for a long time.I used to wonder who would want to read about small farms on Northern Ireland; well, it seems there’s an appetite for it after all.’ Delaney's writing is a beautiful wave flowing lyrically through the life of Mary Rattigan. A touching tale of how one woman survives a tough beginning to eventually end up exactly where her heart belongs. Anne Griffin author of WHEN ALL IS SAID

This book takes you by the chokehold. I felt paralysed by Mary’s sense of worthlessness and horrified by her acceptance of the hardships life had handed her; the love and protection she was so cruelly denied. I felt frustrated, too, as her relationship with John Johns stuttered along barely, hoping to shake some sense into them both to just communicate. The character Bridie I absolutely came to adore as I did John John but he exasperated me at times as so did Mary although I fully understood why they acted in such a way, and when we find out about john johns past that was so touching. This is author Tish Delaneys debut novel, and it is wonderful! Written with beautiful, lyrical prose, I was captivated throughout the whole journey. My actual heart did break, many times.